9 years later

This conversation is proving quite therapeutic. After starting blogging here and deciding to crack open my old journals, I came to a rather obvious realization: It's been 9 years.

My "faith walk" or journey really began sometime between my freshman and sophomore year of high school. And from there it sky-rocketed and grew for a good solid 3+ years till I graduated and through the summer till I left for YWAM. So, a good 4 years of what most Christians would call a thriving spiritual life (and all the things that would go with a typical identity struggling teenager too).

Then, somewhere in that next year, I really started struggling with feelings of spiritual darkness. That was in the fall of 2000. It's been 9 years.

I'm not sure that it was the solid footing of the first 4 years that has helped me walk through the 9. Maybe it's just been my lack of willingness to look elsewhere, or my ability to put aside serious questioning, or something else. I'm not quite sure what it is or has been.

I've been reading through my journals from that year (2000-2001) and I'll try and post some snippets to help capture where I was at that time

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Youre currently reading 9 years later.

Published:
at 12:13 PM on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
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5 comments:

  1. Joel October 15, 2009 at 6:49 AM

    Spiritual darkness sucks. That's all I have to say about that.

    So after you read Mere Christianity and read through the Gospels you said that M.C. made intellectual sense and that the Gospels really resonated with you and that you really felt that the life presented within was the way that all humans should live.

    But you say in this post that it might just be your "lack of willingness to look elsewhere, or [your] ability to put aside serious questioning" that has kept you through the following 9 years.

    So are you saying that Mere Christianity and the Gospels were not truly 100% compelling back then, or that somewhere along the way they don't seem as "right" anymore...or something else completely?

    By the way, I miss talking to you guys like we did in the olden days and this may not be the most ideal setting ever, but it's real and it's important, and I'm glad to have the chance to be here with you all.

     
  2. author October 15, 2009 at 10:00 AM

    Yeah, for better or worse this is an honest forum for good discussion with others I deeply trust and respect.

    As to Mere Christianity and the Gospels, I haven't gotten that far in my journals (summer of 2001) to say what I was thinking then, so it might be different then what I'm saying now.

    I do think that those books impacted my outlook, they were likely compelling enough to satisfy some of my questioning and quell a desire to look elsewhere or bring up other questions.
    This makes me think I probably need to revisit Mere Christianity again and see what I think of it now.

     
  3. David October 15, 2009 at 11:09 AM

    From what I've experienced and heard from others, a lot of people seem to have this experience. A thriving spiritual life followed by a dry period. Mother Theresa is a good example of this. If you read her journals, she spent a fair amount of the latter part of her life struggling with strong doubts and a feeling that God wasn't as close to her as He once was.

    I'm not sure why this happens or what God's reasoning is for it. Perhaps it's to draw us into community and service where we interact with the body of Christ thus interacting with Christ? Perhaps in order to be close to Christ we must become close to him in his "distressing disguises"? Perhaps it's so that we'll grow stronger in our faith (but it also causes some to grow weaker)?

    I don't know. I do know that directly after college, when struggling with some serious doubts, a re-reading of Mere Christianity helped me to hold on and keep my faith. That and several conversations with Joel; I recommend talking to Joel :) Come to think of it, I may have only re-read the first few chapters of MC. But I did find that returning to those things that helped to strengthen my belief and my faith early on, helped to do so again later.

    Just a few random thoughts. Thanks again for sharing. I agree with Joel; I miss this and this is good.

     
  4. author October 15, 2009 at 5:50 PM

    Thanks for the remind David.
    I think I should take a look at Mother Teresa's journals about that. And I should really re-read Mere Christianity.

    That said, I don't feel deeper in spiritual darkness or struggle right now as opposed to say a few years ago, I think it's just come to my mind that it's a comfortable time to wrestle through some of these questions a bit.

     
  5. Mindy October 20, 2009 at 7:23 PM

    at least you're not alone...

    David and Joel - good insight...I think it's especially intriguing to think about the pattern of darkness/doubt if there is one for people of faith throughout time. Maybe there is a community/service reason behind it all...it would be at least somewhat encouraging if that were the case. I just wish more "Christians" would be more comfortable with wrestling/doubting without being judgmental.

     

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